When all is undone
by RainbowSquee
Summary: When the events of the battle of Camlan unfold just as Merlin knew they would, he's powerless to stop them. What, then, is there to stop him from going over the edge? Medium length oneshot, very angsty, no slash.


I'm back! I had a vague idea for an angst Camlan oneshot, and it turned into this. It's _very_ angsty, but I hope you enjoy it.

I would really appreciate all your reviews!

**Title: When all is undone**

**Author: RainbowSquee**

**Rating: T+**

**Themes - ****Angst**

**Disclaimer - no, funnily enough I _don't _own Merlin.**

* * *

Leon wove as fast as he could through the sea of bodies, both the dead and the living, sword moving of its own accord as he made his way through the fray. There were only two things on his mind – one, Arthur, the other, Merlin.

He took the stone steps two at a time, barely catching himself as his foot caught underneath a body. He made the mistake of glancing at the face – Percival. It was Percival.

Cursing loudly, he stopped for a moment. "Galahad!" He shouted at the crowd of red, searching for a familiar face. After what seemed like an eternity, a weary knight separated from the crowd, a bulky man years older than Leon.

"Sir?"

"Get him to Gaius."

That was all. Before Galahad could ask anything more, Leon was gone, cannoning through the double doors and into the citadel. He felt torn – he would never abandon Percival, but he had a duty. Now more than ever. This was just another blow to the chest, yet another scar to add to the mass he'd accumulated in the last few hours.

He hadn't told anyone yet, about what he had left to come here.

"Gaius!" he called, his voice ragged and desperate and all too loud over the groans of the wounded. "Gaius!"

The old man emerged from somewhere in the corner, potion in hand, apprehension concealed behind a carefully crafted mask of indifference.

"Sir Leon," he acknowledged, questioning.

"You're needed on the plains. It is a matter of the highest urgency." Every minute they stayed here, the worse it became. Not that it could get much worse.

"May I ask who I am needed for?"

He wanted to say Arthur. Oh, how badly he wanted to say Arthur. Instead, Leon swallowed the word, choking out a barely audible substitute.

"Merlin." Even he was surprised at quite how angry the word sounded, full of distrust. He was sure it had never sounded like that before. "You don't need any supplies, we just … need you."

Fear tightened its icy grip around the old man's heart.

* * *

Merlin screamed to the heavens, a long and guttural sound that set the earth itself shaking. "No!" A man was in his arms, blood slick over his fingers, and Merlin knew the man was dead because he had _felt _the life drain out of him as if it were his own. He shook the body again, over and over, but nothing happened and it just _wasn't fair_.

"You can't do this!" A huge sob built in his chest, ripping him in two, and as his heart shattered all he knew was gold.

Merlin forced all of his power into this one bloodied man who was once so great. The energy that had been building found no place to gain a foothold, no life to repair, and simply flowed right out again.

A shockwave shook the earth again, and shook everyone around, and bodies began to fall one by one.

* * *

It took them a good hour to get to the plain.

There was no sign of Merlin, or of anyone. The look on Leon's face suggested that this was as he had feared, and he began scanning the bodies fearfully, searching for something. Or someone.

"Arthur's gone, Leon."

The man whirled around, sword outstretched. Gaius tried to calm his heart.

Gwaine limped towards them, battered and weary. Something that looked suspiciously like a scorch mark decorated his chest plate, black against the streaks of red.

"Where is he?" Leon all but growled, advancing on the knight. Gwaine took a step to meet him, his eyes hard.

"Merlin's taken him."

"He had no right -"

"He had every right."

Gaius got the feeling he was missing something important.

"I would gratefully appreciate it," he said, in that voice that Merlin liked to call the 'harbinger of doom', "If someone would kindly inform me exactly what is going on. Now."

Leon growled. "Merlin has magic." He threw his sword to the ground, the blade embedding in the softened soil. "And Arthur is dead."

Gaius forgot how to breathe.

"Merlin's gone off the deep end," Gwaine added seriously. "All screams and earth shaking and –" He grimaced. "– killing. Not any of ours," he quickly added, as Gaius looked as if he was about to collapse, "But he wanted revenge. That much was obvious. He was shouting something about Emrys."

"And now he's taken Arthur's body, the traitor," Leon snarled.

"No." Gaius interjected sharply. "Merlin is many things, but not that. He never has been."

"I tried to calm him down," Gwaine started, glaring at Leon, "but he didn't –"

"Didn't seem to trust you?"

Gwaine nodded ruefully.

"Not that we have any cause to trust him," Leon muttered. Gwaine made an odd sound in his throat, and suddenly his hand was at Leon's shoulder, gripping unnaturally tight. At least it wasn't at his windpipe.

"We never gave him any cause to trust us," Gwaine muttered in return, clenching his fingers just a little more at the memory. "We drew our _swords_ on him."

There was a small intake of breath from Gaius. Leon stared at Gwaine angrily, but didn't move. "He didn't save Arthur, though, did he?" He almost laughed. "The king of Camelot is dead, and our biggest priority is a serving boy who's been hiding magic for years. It's a terrible thing, you realise, that we didn't notice what he was doing all this time."

Gaius' voice came from behind them, older than they ever remembered it being. "It's a worse thing to know but not be able to do anything about it."

* * *

Mordred was first.

_Are you happy now, Emrys? Now that we can finally live in – _

He didn't even get to finish his sentence before Merlin's magic was on him, whipping him and cocooning him and lifting him into the air.

"I am not one of you, Mordred. I will never be what you are."

Arthur flashed in front of his eyes again, pale and bloodless, Mordred's sword sticking out of his gut. Suddenly Mordred was writhing, his eyes golden, but no magic could match this rage that poured out of every inch of Merlin's being.

_I just wanted us to be safe._

_He wanted to kill us._

_He wanted to kill us all._

_You can't kill one of your own, Emrys._

"Arthur loved you like a brother!" Merlin roared, closing his eyes against the memories, "He saved you even when he knew nothing of the goodness of magic. He saved you because you were innocent and he was good. And when you came back he welcomed you with open arms. More so than he ever would me!"

His magic was building and building and he couldn't control it.

_Morgana spoke to me, and it made sense._

_I'm sorry, Emrys._

"Let me go, Merlin," Mordred choked out, voice barely more than a whisper. "I'm sorry." He was crying now, as he realised what he'd done. What a horror he had committed.

Merlin put his hands over his ears and scrunched his eyes shut. Arthur was waiting for him in the darkness, like in his nightmares. Always so dead.

_Please._

He felt his magic snap. The hole where his heart should have been began to throb, and when he opened his eyes Mordred was no longer in the air. All was quiet.

"I am Emrys. Not Merlin."

* * *

Gaius could pick out Merlin's solitary figure even from here. He'd seen Morgana fall only moments before, felt the static in the air as magic met magic, each fuelled by a lust for revenge.

Heard her cry of disbelief as Merlin threw a bolt of pure power that caught her off-guard and grazed her shoulder, and the laugh when she managed to put all the pieces together.

Watched as, somehow, Merlin made the ground swallow her up.

* * *

Aithusa swooped down from the sky as she felt her mistress slowly fade into the earth, hurling fireballs at the one causing all the pain.

Ducking, Merlin's eyes glowed dangerously bright again and words started falling from him mouth before he even realised what he was doing.

"_Æfterield ælwiht unc ámeldian úre cnósl_ - " He stopped, the gold fading suddenly.

_What am I doing?_

Aithusa fell to the ground, terror in her eyes. She didn't understand this world, she never had.

"I hatched you, Aithusa," he murmured, making forwards as if to stroke her, but she shied away. She couldn't answer this strange creature whom she loved so very much, yet hated with equal measure. "Yet you end up like this."

He wanted revenge, revenge for everything that had ever happened – for Arthur, for destiny, for the magic he was given. But he couldn't kill this creature, even if she was Morgana's. Aithusa was his kin, and she just as lonely as he was.

He knew how much that hurt.

* * *

Gaius stopped in his tracks, unable to fully comprehend what he was seeing. Gwaine slowly moved to stand beside him, placing a steadying hand on the man's shoulder.

Merlin stood in the middle of the plain, a solitary figure in a sea of bodies, silent and unmoving. An oppressive silence hung in the air all around, choking. Like the stench of blood. Merlin's tunic was flecked rust-red, and he seemed to be surveying the scene with the same creeping horror that Gaius felt. As if seeing it for the first time.

Merlin began to tremble, pale-faced and Excalibur in hand.

"What have you done?"

Merlin's head snapped up at the sound of Gaius' voice, and the look of sheer terror on his face was like a knife to the gut.

"I…" his voice trailed off. Those eyes that were once blue, once laughing, were now stained golden, and filled with a terrible desperation. "I can't do this anymore."

The power emanating from the man was of such magnitude that Gaius could feel it in the air, twisting in all directions, fearful and frantic and hungry for blood. For revenge.

"I can't do this anymore, Gaius." Merlin's voice came out as a strangled whisper, unnaturally loud after the cacophony of battle. The blur of noise that still rang in his ears, as he heard the slice of sword through flesh again and again, the choked gasp.

"Merlin," Gaius said slowly, taking a hesitant step towards his ward, caution in his tone. "I –"

There was no flash of gold, no incantation, just a subtle shift in the air. An invisible barrier prevented Gaius from moving forwards, one of Merlin's making.

"Don't."

Merlin shut his eyes again, kneading his hands against his temples.

It replayed over and over. He was just too far away to reach Arthur. If only he'd been that little bit closer. If only he'd not been tricked into following the false trail that Mordred had left behind. If only he'd killed Mordred when he'd had the chance.

"Everything I've done," Merlin hissed vehemently, "Everything that I've sacrificed, everything I've endured. Everything that the great Kilgharrah told me destiny had in store. It was all a lie. All for nothing."

He pressed his mouth into a firm, trembling line. His eyes glowed.

"Everything is undone."

"It will be alright, Merlin." Gaius spoke softly, "You know it will be alright." He eyed his ward with concern, wary of the magic that was beginning to pick up momentum again, seemingly independent of Merlin's rational thought.

Merlin's hands began to shake. "Arthur is dead." His voice was devoid of emotion. "Mordred cut him down with his own sword, just like I saw in that vision."

Gwaine had to say something, anything. "Merlin, mate –"

"I am Emrys!" he screamed, as if the noise would block out the images, the memories, the reality. "Emrys!" In his mind's eye he saw the knights had scatter, uttering curses, unsure of who they were meant to be fighting. All they knew was that the king was dead and his servant had magic. He ran and there was Gwaine, taking a step backwards, eyes clouded with suspicion – then, somehow, Excalibur.

It was terrifying.

Biting down on his tongue, Merlin put a shaking fist to his chest, resting it on the hole where his heart once was. "Look what I've become." He laughed softly. "I am the almighty Emrys, destined to be counsel for the once and future king." He scanned the war-torn plain, taking in the fallen bodies, the scorch marks, the crows. The place where Morgana once stood. "Look at our 'kingdom'."

Gaius' heart ached. "They still need you, Merlin."

Merlin laughed suddenly, a chilling sound that resonated through the air.

"They want me back? They never knew me."

Gaius sighed. "Yes, they do. They know the bumbling idiot whose ridiculous grin gets him extra pastries from the cook, who manages to drop the laundry down the stairs even when he's going up –"

" – we know the Merlin who's always loyal and always knew how to do what was right. Who followed Arthur bravely into any battle they faced. Who stood by his friends in time of need." Gwaine ran a hand through his hair, managing a half-hearted grin. "The Merlin who I could drink under the table in two minutes flat."

Merlin seemed fixated on Gwaine's chest plate. "Gwaine," he began, softly, "Gwaine, I – I'm sorry, I –"

"It's okay." Gwaine shrugged, but Merlin didn't seem to see him any more. He stared into the space somewhere behind the two men, a look of terror in his eyes.

"What have I done?"

Gaius wanted nothing more than to rush over and take him in his arms, offer comfort the only way he knew how, but he realised that perhaps that was not the best thing for Merlin in this state. Not when the boy was scared out of his mind, grieving and terrified.

"They all know you have magic now. They will look to you for guidance."

"No." Merlin said shortly, dismissing the idea without a moment's thought. "They will look to Gwen for guidance, not me. I am the wild card, the one not to be trusted."

The wall was gone now, and Gaius found himself at Merlin's side quicker than he ever thought possible. Gwaine hovered close behind, unsure.

"I am Emrys." Bile rose in Merlin's throat and he recalled that last conversation they had ever had. "And I swore I would die at his side."

"You are Merlin," Gaius said sharply, "_And_ you are Emrys. You are the same."

Excalibur fell to the floor. It didn't work properly anymore anyway.

"They all die, no matter what I do. Elyan, Lancelot, Will, Freya, my father – and now, even Arth-" He choked on the end of the sentence, unable to get the words out. "I've watched them die so many times." There was a battle going on in his mind, with his magic, fighting to find something good to hold onto. It was tearing him apart.

Unable to watch him any more, Gaius enveloped Merlin in his arms, holding on tight. He could feel how Merlin shuddered, how frail he was. How close to the edge of sanity he had come.

And who could blame him? Gaius pulled his ward in tighter. This was too much to ask of anybody, all of this. He couldn't help thinking that the smiling boy who had come sauntering into his quarters all of those years ago was now irreparably damaged. And part of it was his doing.

"There is nothing I can say that will make it better." Blinking away tears, he was thankful that Merlin couldn't see them. "But you are alive, Merlin. And that is something you should be thankful for."


End file.
